Parenting is hard. Period.
In the age of social media, it is really easy to get sucked into thinking every other parent you see is happy and carefree. They’re posting photos or videos of their little ones laughing and smiling while they look on, bright eyed and beaming with joy. Their hair is neat and tidy, their kiddos are maybe in matching outfits and they actually look clean. Their living rooms are awash in beige perfection with nary a plastic toy, burp cloth or spit up covered sweater in sight.
Newsflash: It’s. Not. Real. In the digital age, we have to keep in mind that most people’s instagram accounts are tailored for you to see what they want you to see. Every parent struggles, especially during the first year of new parenthood. The struggles and challenges change, but it’s never truly easy.
I was on a walk with a long time friend yesterday and her little one, now 4 months old, who fussed and waved her little arms about and never truly settled during our walk. My friend noted that it was a big change compared to just last week! We have been walking together with her baby nearly every day since she was born and walks have been a tried and true way to calm her baby and get her to fall asleep. Apparently, she’s also been spitting up more, shrieking inconsolably when put down, and just generally going through temperament changes. My friend looked at me with tired eyes and said “is this normal?”
I felt compelled to say yes, but then, what even is normal? Every baby has their own variations on normal and their own rhythms, which change as they get older. What I told her instead was “You’re doing a great job and you’re doing everything right. She’s just going through a season right now and you’re doing the best you can to keep up.” Her face relaxed and we continued our walk, pointing out flowers and plants to her baby in an effort to soothe her.
The truth is, when your baby goes through a season, so do you. One week your baby is sleeping through the night, but the next they’re going through a sleep regression and you feel burnt out from lack of sleep yourself. So then maybe the next day, you load the washing machine, forget to turn it on and then have no clean clothes for the day. This isn’t a failure on your end, it’s just how things are going. The need to ascribe attributes of “good” or “bad” to new parents is a construct of our fast-paced and often judgmental society, especially for the parent who recently gave birth. All of your parenting choices are under the microscope and everyone around you is convinced that they have the right answer to your new-baby-woes. The truth of the matter is that NO ONE has the right answer! Whatever works or is safest for you and your family is what’s best. If that means locking yourself in the bathroom for an hour to stare at Pinterest while your partner, a friend, or a family member manages the kids, so be it. If that means your house is a mess and you’ve had leftover pizza three meals in a row, that’s ok too. Everyone gets overwhelmed by the feeling of chores, parenting tasks and work piling up around you. Remember that it’s ok to take breaks, to cut yourself slack and, most importantly, to ask for help when you can. The original family structure until the 20th century was an extended family, in which many relatives lived together and shared the workload of chores and parenting. This is where the old adage “it takes a village” comes from and it is still true today! It does take many hands to create a family and raise children. That can look like a lot of different things too: blended families, friends who live nearby, aunts and uncles, or hired help. Whatever YOU need to make your household function and keep yourself sane is what’s right.
You’re not failing, new parents! Parenting is hard. Period. Sending all our love and support from the team at Brilliant Births! We got you.
